Eighth

I don't know where to start. I hope there's a way for me to organize everything so that it'll be easier for me to let people know. But I'll just start from the very beginning. This post is everything about me, my life and everything. I hope I won't cry whilst writing it because I'm in my living room and my mom is obviously in front of me. 

If I were to recall memories from my childhood, I guess I only remember a bit from when I was in the kindergarten. But I do remember things clearly starting from age 11. I was a very talkative child, I remember talking a lot in the car when me and my family were on our way to the village. I asked a lot of dumb questions, obviously when the car was moving which led me to get motion sickness since then until now. I was curious about literally everything, I can't name it there's just too much. But I loved my life back then. I had no idea what life was if it wasn't about being able to buy anything I wanted to. I lived thinking that way. I don't really know about our financial state, but because I got whatever I wanted to have, maybe we were well-off. My father used to sell anchovies at night market. I can't remember exactly but I would say my father at least went to the night market to sell them at least twice per week. I used to follow him sometimes. But I was ashamed of it because in Sekolah Agama back then the ustazah once asked what everyone's father does, and when I proudly said my father sells anchovies, all of them laughed. I was ashamed and I thought maybe it was a bad thing to tell them what my father does. So until now, I don't really like talking about what my father works as. I am not immature, I accept whatever that my father does and I know how hard he works to let us live, but I think it's better if people don't know. 

Although I was publicly shamed by my dumbass classmates (too bad I can't remember any of them because if I do, they'll definitely get dragged to hell by me), I know that we were quite rich. We would get RM3k per night, so twice per week would be 6k. Back in those days that amount was hugeeeee. But I know we had to pay some debts and stuff. Still, we had enough to live. Things started to go downhill in 2010 if I'm not mistaken.

So like, I knew things weren't going well since my dad's shop were robbed. Starting from that, the business went completely downhill kot. Then my dad had to pay debts and all then and eventually close the shop. Stop everything and begin from zero. That one day I was out at my friend's house. I went to Maya's house to play or something idk. I was walking with Maya after playing in her house, maybe to the nearby park to play some more lmao kid me was so active. While walking, I freaking saw my car, my gold waja I'm sure that car was ours because I memang jenis hafal plate number. And then, I realized that the person driving the car was neither my dad nor my brother or my sister's boyfriend. SO I TOLD MYSELF FUCK. My car kena tarik. When I came home I noticed the car was really gone, and I asked my mom she said yes. Holy cow, I don't know la but I was just a kid but it broke my heart. I guess circumstances makes you become mature. 

After that, comes a series of very sad, sad story. I don't know how to tell this story but so many things happened. Bila nak cakap pasal takdir kita susah, ramai je yang lagi susah. But that does not mean that we suffer any less. The damage is here even until today pun. Dad eventually got a new job, lorry driver at PG. And he only comes home during the weekends. We didn't have a car since the old one kena ambil dengan bank. We only had motorcycles. So kalau nak pergi mana-mana, we only expect people to help. Like, my aunties and uncles were very understanding. My atuk also has a car so he would come to our house to bring us out sometimes. My aunties most of the time, even during raya, they came and pick us up at home. It's not like we didn't have any effort to get our car back, but my dad's debt was crazy gila. There I said. Duit gaji was only enough for us to continue living. No fancy stuff. I used to get my pizza every week but since that happened, no pizza. Maybe once in 3 months baru dapat makan pizza. All the things yang I nak beli memang tak dapat. Beli yang betul betul penting. If I nak kasut mahal, I tak boleh beli benda lain dah. And memang I boleh kira berapa kali I beli new clothes sepanjang 2011-2015 dulu. Cakap pasal kereta, cause we didn't have cars. My dad works quite far from home, my brother also works far. Nobody is at home except for me, my mom and my sister. So honestly, nobody was available to send me to school on Saturdays for koko, or for camps. That's honestly the only reason why I skipped koko and school capms. Sebab tak ada yang nak hantar. And if you ask me why didn't I tumpang anyone, dude muka I ni memang dah cop suka menumpang orang dah tak terkira berapa kali I tumpang orang. Rasa macam I selalu tumpang orang. So I reached that point where I don't want to burden people anymore, I stopped la join semua activities tu. Because I pun tahu malu juga.

I don't know where this is going tapi I dah malas nak sambung hahahahah that's it.